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Jokes Galore

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True University Story

In a biology class, the Professor was discussing the high glucose levels found

in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked " If I

understand, your saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"Thats correct" responded the Prof. , going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked " Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's

face turned bright red, and as she realized what she had inadvertently said(or

rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of

class... and never returned. However , as she was going out the door, the

Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question,

" It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip

of the tongue and not the back of your throat.

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Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done

so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal

that they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed.

 

The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained,

and then the teacher asked,

"Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"

 

Johnny replied, "Legs."

 

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't

have in my pants?"

 

Johnny replied, "Pockets."

 

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"

 

Johnny replied. "Rome."

 

The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"

 

The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong!"

 

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Golfing Superstition

So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.

Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to

invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play, "says

George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday

rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George

already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite

pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the

following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about

ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four

golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats

them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says: "See you next

Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week,

George is right on time, and plays great with whichever hand he decides to

use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple

months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute,

George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're

right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the

story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in

the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play

left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Then I'm

about ten minutes late," George answers.

 

Getting in Tune

 

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife they'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. They proceed to he jewelry dept. and get a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don't even play tennis, but okay if you like it then lets get it."The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "I'm ready, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!

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HERE IS A RIDDLE TO RACK YOUR BRAIN

There are only three words in the english language that end in GRY.

One of them is "angry" and another is "hungry"

Every ONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for.

Every ONE, uses them everyday, and if you're listening carefully,

I've given you the third word.

What is it? _______GRY

DIRECT LINE

 

A reporter once visited Billy Graham and noticed he had a special red phone on his desk the reporter asked him about it and Billy said : "It's my hotline to God." The reporter asked if he could make a call. "Sure" said Billy, "but it will cost you $10,000 dollars." The reporter next interviewed the Pope in Rome and noticed the same special red phone on his desk. When he asked the Pope what it was for, the Pope said : "That is my hotline to God, you may make a call but it will cost you $100,000 dollars." Some time later the reporter was at the offices of Microsoft doing a story and noticed the very same red phone on one of the secretary's desks. He asked what it was and the secretary replied like the others, "That's the hotline to God." The reporter asked if he could make a call and was told "Sure." "How much will it cost me?" the reporter asked. "Oh, its free." "Why?" asked the reporter. "It's a local call."

SEX, ANYONE?

 

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs, etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love. He thinks, what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what why did you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

 

POLITICS

 

"Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure son, what's the question?"

"What is politics?"

"Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?

"I'm not really sure, dad, I'll have to think about it."

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning..........................

"Dad, I think I understand politics."

"That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

"While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit!"

BEST WHISKEY

 

A Scotsman and an Irishman were arguing over who has the better whiskey. The Scotsman said that there is mothing better than a good single malt Scotch whiskey. The Irishman replied that an Irish whiskey is better and that he could prove it. He told the Scotman that he and his wife drank an entire bottle of Irish whiskey the night before, got up in the morning and went to church and said mass.

The Scotsman asked, "so what's so unusual about that?!"

The Irishman replied "we're Jewish!"

 

"WHERE IS MY COOKIE?"

 

A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thought he might have a tapeworm. The doctor examined the patient and listened to the symptoms. He concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you," said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied, and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although leery about the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass.

The doctor consulted his watch as our hero danced around the room shouting at the physician. "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm," advised doctor. Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured, so complied with the order to bend over again. The doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie," ordered the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The following day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP went a banana, and then after one minute, UP went a cookie.

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer," confirmed the doctor.

The last day the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine." So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana. The doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Suddenly a little head poked out of the patient's ass, "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!"  *WHAM**

MEN

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did god say after creating man? I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind.2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in S.Africa? A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience store and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a ?500 car and put a ?4000 stereo in it

Why did god create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird. "The other man looked up and said, "where?"

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.

Why do men love computers? No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.

What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub? 9 out of 10 men can find a pub.

What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis? A man

Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease? A: Because they're all pigs.

Q: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it.

How many men does it take to put a roll of toilet paper on the hanger? No one knows... it's never happened.

 

1. Men are like department stores....their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like chocolate bars....sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee....the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement....after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

10. Men are like laxatives....they irritate the shit out of you.

11. Men are like parking spots....the good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

  1.  

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

A police officer pulls over a little red sports car for speeding He walks up to the car and the first thing he notices is how gorgeous the driver is.Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's license?"

"License . . . ???" The blonde looks confused.

"It's usually in your wallet," replies the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver manages to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asks the cop.

"Registration . . . . What's that?" asks the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment," says the cop impatiently.

After more fumbling, she finds the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute," says the cop and walks back to his squad car.

The officer runs a routine check on the license and registration,and the dispatcher comes back all excited:

"Is this woman driving a red sports car?" he asks.

"Yes," answers the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asks the dispatcher.

"Uh . . . yes" replies the cop.

"Here's what you do" says the dispatcher. "Give her back her stuff,stand back and drop your pants."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaims the cop.

"Trust me; just do it," says the dispatcher.

So the cop returns to the blonde, hands back the license and registration, and drops his pants as instructed.

The blonde rolls up her eyes and sighs, "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

  1. Have you looked through her briefs?
  2. He is one hard judge!
  3. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
  4. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
  5. Is it a penal offence?
  6. Better leave the handcuffs on.
  7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
  8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
  9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
  10. Think you can get me off?
FINAL EXAMS

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two-hours long, and standard blue exam booklets were provided.The professor was very strict and and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.Half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, the last student came up to the front of the lecture hall where the professor was sitting behind the desk, casually reading a book with his feet up on a stool. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late," the professor said, turning the page in his book.

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"Nooooo, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you KNOW who I AM?" the student asked again, poking his own chest with his finger as he leaned intimidatingly over the table.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

The student quickly lifted the stack of completed exams and stuffed his in the middle. "Good!" he said, and walked out of the room.

BUSINESS LINGO

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career".

WOMEN AND SEX

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less >achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for Black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/ 1/4 Latino/ 1/4 Black/ 1/4 White atheist with a Ph.D, wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom.Shouldn't be too hard .....happy hunting!

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of >the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change >their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them >playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or >suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

The updated version for the '90s woman:

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.

 

 

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an uppercrust family -- well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination--Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and yelled:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

 

 

VIRUS WARNING

Please read all of this message immediately!  If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it  immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.  It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any  disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM   access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field   harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.  It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.   It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming   over.  It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with  your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with an ex-convict. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.  It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in  dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.  It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. Such is the power of Badtimes.  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.  These are just a few signs!  Be very, very afraid.

 

A Yuppie Tale

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppy was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd..." replied the yuppy, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!?!"

KIDS SAY THE DARNEST THINGS

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

-Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,  and  you   can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.-  (Judy, 8)

-Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!-  (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that  usually  gets   them interested enough to go for the second date.- (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

-You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy  her  a   big  ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the   wedding.-  (Jim, 10)

-Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing  if   anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try  it   with  a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.-  (Kelly, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

-It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need  somebody   to  clean up after them!- (Lynette, 9)

-It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I  don't   need that kind of trouble.- (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

-No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.- (Jan, 9)

-I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.- (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

-Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.- (Roger, 9)

-If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.- (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

-If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.- (Jeanne, 8)

-It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.- (Gary, 7)

-Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.- (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

-They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.-(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

-I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'  is on television.- (Anita, 6)

-Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.- (Bobby, 8)

-I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.- (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

-One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.- (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

-Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.-  (Del, 6)

-Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get  attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.- (Alonzo, 9)

-One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.- (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??

-Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.- (John, 9)

-Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.- (Brad, 8)

-It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire.- (Christine, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

-You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.- (Doug, 7)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

-It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you... That's why I stopped doing it.- (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

-Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.- (Tom, 7)

-Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love.- (Roger, 8)

-Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.- (Randy, 8)

 

PHEW! THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE

This true story is from one of the "lucky" passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it, but we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks, "Jesus Christ - what a bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now."

As a stricken steward dashed up the aisle to the cabin (to inform the captain that his intercom was still on), one of the passengers called after him, "Don't forget the coffee!"

ANNIVESARIES.

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the first, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the first man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

EBONICS

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.........

1. RECTUM...I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.

2. HOTEL...I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.

3. ODYSSEY...I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.

4. STAIN...MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.

5. SELDOM...MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.

6. PENIS...I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.

7. CATACOMB...DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.

8. FORCLOSE...IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.

9. UNDERMINE...THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.

10. TRIPOLI...I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.

12. DISAPPOINTMENT...MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.

13. INCOME...I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.

14. HONOR...AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO BE HONOR FIRST?

15. FORTIFY... I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.

16. ISRAEL...ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

PERIOD

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes >could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.>

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 

SISTERS OF MERCY

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY

THE EYE DOCTOR

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office...especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself...'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'"

PILOTS

Q. What is the difference between God and a pilot?

A. God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Q. What's the difference between a pilot and a pig?

A. A pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it is drunk.

Q. What do pilots use for birth control?

A. Their personality.

Q. What is the difference between a pilot and a turbine engine?

A. The turbine engine stops whining at the end of the mission.

WIVES

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then,suddenly, it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

GREAT QUOTES OF MEN, WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -- Frederick Ryder

Men get laid, but women get screwed. -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.-- Billy Crystal.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only  put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? -- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. -- Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.  Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."-- Jerry Seinfeld

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.-- Anonymous

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last. -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let  her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have  it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? - Carrie Snow

The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think  of an answer for her first question. -- Anonymous

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."--- Maryon Pearson

 

BANKS

A man walks into a bank, walks up to one of the women tellers and says, "I want to open a fucking checking account."

She says, "Sir, would you please watch your language!" He says, "Fuck my language. I want to open a fucking checking account."

She says, "Sir! If you don't watch your language, I'm going to have to get the manager."

He says, "I don't give a damn about watching my fucking language! I want to open a fucking checking account!"

She leaves and gets the manager. The manager walks up to the man and says, "What seems to be the problem?"

He says, "I just won thirty million dollars in the motherfucking lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account."

The manager jerks his thumb toward the teller and says, "Is this bitch giving you trouble?"

NELSON DEALER

 

 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Sod off." and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, sod off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again. The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main dealer?"

Is it Gabriel's Horn or path to Salvation?

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was alsoinstructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whateverhe told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to washhim,and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legswhere>he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And he said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would beassured   of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it wasGabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Others

The priest and the nun:

A priest and a nun have a head-on collision. The nun regains consciousness first and gets out of her car. She pulls the priest out of his car and helps him to the side of the road. The nun says, "Sit still, father. I've got something in my glove compartment that will help ye". The nun bringsback a bottle of Irish Whiskey and tells the father, "Take a good, long drink, father. It will clear your head". The priest takes a healthy swig and, looking to thank the nun, exclaims, "My good sister, you look interrible shape too! Aren't you going to have a drink?" "Aye, I'll be having me a drink", replies the nun, "directly after the police file the accident report!"

 

Golf:

A couple of women were plaing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly  toward a foursome of men playing the next hall. Indeed the ball hit one of  the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell  to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physicl therapist and offered to help ease his "pain". "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told hinearnestly. "Unnph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feelbetter?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes. that feels prettygood...but mythumb still hurts like hell!"

Polish:

Why does a Polish wife close her eyes while having sex with her husband?

-She can't see him having fun...

The Rabbi and the Pearl:

The rabbi told his pupils: "A woman is like a pearl". "But rabbi", said one of the pupils, "A pearl is threaded from bothsides and a woman from only one". "But me, I'm threading my woman from both sides", said the other pupil. "A woman you have"?? replied the rabbi, "This is a pearl"!!!

There was a man who had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off and he couldn't provide her with the things she wanted, so he made do by doing everything she asked around the house. One night the wife came home late, wearing a diamond necklace. Knowing that he hadn't given her the money to buy such expensive jewelry, he asked, "Where did you get that from?" The wife quickly replied, "I won it at bingo, now go draw my bath." He did as she commanded and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late, wearing a mink coat. Once again,  the husband became suspicious and asked, "Where did you get that from?" The wife replied, "Same place as the necklace. I won it at bingo. Now go draw my bath." Once again, he did as he was told and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late again, this time driving a brand new Mercedes Benz. The husband, overcome with suspicion asked, "Where the Hell did you get THAT from?" His wife, still trying to maintain her cool, and her control over her husband, answered, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from!! I told you where I get this. I won it at bingo. Now go upstairs and run my bath for me, and not another word about it!" The man quietly went upstairs. A few moments later the wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife yelled from the bathroom "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The husband yelled back from the bedroom, "I didn't want to get your bingo card wet."

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says Dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time. "No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I  shall telephone the police." The other person slams the phone down.  "That's aggravation." "Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials a third time, and says, "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

The rabbi told his study group, "Next week I plan to go over the story  about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I want you all to read  Leviticus 28." The following week, as he prepared to deliver his lesson, the rabbi asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Leviticus 28. Every hand went up. The rabbi smiled and said, "Leviticus only goes through 27. I will now proceed with my lesson on the sin of lying."

A buisness man goes for a long buisness trip One day he calls the wife and asks what's new. The wife says, "everything is ok, but the cat is dead" The guy says: "how can you tell me something like this? you should prepare me. You should do something like this: On the first day say that the cat is on the roof. on the second day say  the cat is not well, and on the third day say the cat fell from the roof. "ok" says the wife. "So what is new, except the cat?", says the man   "You'r mother is on the roof"

So this lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out.....caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the partystarts,  two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums,the  woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having awonderful time, but the clown has not shown up. Finally, the clown calls toreport that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party atall. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertainthe children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at theparty? I would pay him $50!"  Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,>WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door  bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order  over and sit down at a large table.The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting "51 days! 51 days! 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes  arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days! 51  days! 51 days!"  Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days! 51 days! 51 days!"  Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days! 51 days! 51  days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child'spuzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Here are soe more new terms for your use:

Azoore = the standard colour for painting and decorating zoos.

Classick = A condition afflicting most students near the endof asemester.

Confluence = A person fluent in con-speak.

Discourse = Class selection by university students at the beginning of the semester.

Disclexia = Compact Discs Selecion.

Disklexia = Putting floppies in your drive upside down.

Earthoffer = Another term for someone who is an astronaut.

Entongueled = When oral appendages become entwined during the act ofkissing.

Generica = Fast food joints, srip malls, sub-divisions.

IQute = The attractiveness of another person's intellect.

Jokeaholic = Comedy and humour addict.

Moovies = Forms of audiovisual entertainment for cattles.

Norgasm = Extreme sensation of pleasure/pain experienced in the nosewhen>eating concentrated horseradish.

Oxygen = The male chromosome from an ox.

Phonecaholic = addicted to phone calls and talks on the phone.

Spiffinoodle = Really, really neat pasta.

Squirreliosis = A contagious disease initiated by a situationconsidered humourous by one individual, who reacts in a fit of laughter, initiating lauhghter in a nearby individual, and so forth, until the entire room is infected.

 

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing>> > > there is someone in>> > > >> the>> > > >> > control tower to talk you down.>> > > >> >>> > > >> >

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even>> > > while scuba diving.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > The ventilation system of any building is the>> > > perfect hiding place.>> > > >> >

No>> > > >> > one will ever think of looking for you in there and>> > > you can travel>> > > >> to>> > > >> > any>> > > >> > other part of the building you want without>> > > difficulty. >> > > >> >>> > > >> >

If you need to reload your gun, you will always>> > > have more ammunition>> > > >> ->> > > >> > even if you haven't been carrying any before now.>> > > >> >>> > > >> >

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war>> > > unless you make>> > > >> > the>> > > >> > mistake of showing someone a picture of your>> > > sweetheart back home.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German>> > > officer, it will>> > > >> not>> > > >> > be necessary to speak the language. A German>> > > accent will do.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > If your town is threatened by an imminent natural>> > > disaster or killer>> > > >> > beast, the mayor's first concern will be the>> > > tourist trade or his>> > > >> > forthcoming>> > > >> > art exhibition.>> > > >> >>> > > >> >

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will  be thrown through>> > > >> it>> > > >> > before long.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > The Chief of Police is always black.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > In court, the Judge is always female, and usually>> > > black as well.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet>> > > as you take out a>> > > >> > bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It>> > > will always be>> > > >> the>> > > >> > exact >> > > >> > fare.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Interbreeding is genetically possible with any>> > > creature from>> > > >> elsewhere>> > > >> > in the universe.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering>> > > a kitchen at>> > > >> night,>> > > >> > you should open the fridge door and use that light>> > > instead.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > If staying in a haunted house, women should>> > > investigate any strange>> > > >> > noises in their most revealing underwear.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Word processors never display a cursor on screen>> > > but will always>> > > >> say: >> > > >> > Enter Password Now.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > When displaying text, a computer always beeps as>> > > each letter and/or>> > > >> > numbe appears on the screen.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for>> > > their family>> > > >> every>> > > >> > morning even though their husband and children>> > > never have time to>> > > >> eat>> > > >> > it.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Cars that crash will almost always burst into>> > > flames.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > The Chief of Police will always suspend his star>> > > detective - or give >> > > >> > him 48 hours to finish the job.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > A single match will be sufficient to light up a>> > > room the size of RFK>> > > >> > Stadium.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire>> > > weapons at an>> > > >> > object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd>> > > century will have>> > > >> > lost this>> > > >> > technology.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt>> > > upright and pant.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when >> > > beginning or ending>> > > >> > phone conversations.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it >> > > is necessary to>> > > >> > turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to>> > > right every few >> > > >> > moments.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices>> > > with large red>> > > >> > readouts so you know exactly when they're going to>> > > go off.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > It is always possible to park directly outside the>> > > building you are>> > > >> > visiting.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > A detective can only solve a case once he has been>> > > suspended from>> > > >> > duty.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > If you decide to start dancing in the street,>> > > everyone you bump into>> > > >> > will know all the steps.

>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Most laptop computers are powerful enough to>> > > override the>> > > >> > communication>> > > >> > systems of any invading alien civilization.>> > > >> > >> > > >> > It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered>> > > in a fight>> > > >> involving>> > > >> > martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to>> > > attack you one by>> > > >> > one by dancing around in a threatening manner until>> > > you have knocked>> > > >> > out their >> > > >> > predecessors.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to>> > > the head, they>> > > >> will>> > > >> > never suffer a concussion or brain damage.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, >> > > explosion, volcanic>> > > >> > eruption>> > > >> > or alien invasion will ever go into shock.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Police Departments give their officers personality>> > > tests to make>> > > >> sure>> > > >> > they are deliberately assigned a partner who is>> > > their total>> > > >> opposite.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak>> > > English to each>> > > >> > other .>> > > >> >>> > > >> > You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper>> > > clip in seconds ->> > > >> > unless it's the door to a burning building with a>> > > child trapped>> > > >> > inside.>> > > >> > >> > > >> > An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a>> > > dinosaur will cause no>> > > >> > lasting damage to an eight year old child.>> > > >> >>> > > >> > Television news bulletins usually contain a story>> > > that affects you>> > > >> > personally at that precise moment.

Father to daughter's boyfriend :> "I'm glad to meet you, Johnny, but I somehow pictured you> with a telephone attached to your head."> > -------------------------------------------------------------->> Q. What do you call people who use the rhythm method of birth> control?> > A. Parents.>> -------------------------------------------------------------->> Immigration officer : "Do you advocate the overthrow of the> government of the United States of> America by subversion or violence?"> Immigrant : "Ummmm....violence.">> -------------------------------------------------------------->> Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs don't work.>> 20. "That's Weird..."> 19. "It's never done that before."> 18. "It worked yesterday."> 17. "How is that possible?"> 16. "It must have a hardware problem."> 15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."> 14. "There is something funky in your data"> 13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"> 12. "You must have wrong version."> 11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."> 10. "I can't test everything!"> 9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."> 8. "It works, but it's not been tested."> 7. "Somebody must have changed my code." > 6 "Did you check for a virus on your system?"> 5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?> 4. "You can't use that version on your system."> 3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"> 2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"> 1. "I thought I fixed that."

Funny, I think.>A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...likea>>telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender>walks over>and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any>trouble here.>>The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone>installed>in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.">>The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his>hand to>the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a>conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never>have>believed it!">>"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you>name>it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to>the>men's room.>>The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.>Fearing the >worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. >There is>the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he hasa>roll>of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they>rob>you? Are you hurt?">>The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok..... I'm just waiting for a >fax."

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don'tknow Jack Schitt". Now, you can handle the situation.Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, thefertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt,Inc.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious coupleproduced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins...Deep Schitt and DipSchitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, who is a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe latermarried Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, shewanted to keep her previous name. She was now known as NoeSchitt-Sherlock.Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, ChickenSchitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughoutchildhoodand consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, theprodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned withhis new bride, Pisa Schitt.Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

 

Some people are born losers!

 

1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cyprion huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran

 

out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a

stone and drowned.

2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon

Valdezoil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most

expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and

applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer

whale.

3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in

order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling,

he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her

mentally retarded.

4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world

flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of

the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him

and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking

frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the

electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she

whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back

door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he has merely been listening

to his walkman.

6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending

pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,

escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless

protesters to death.

And the last & best.......

7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a

letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've

guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

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Examples from grade school teachers' journals of amusing things their

students have written in papers:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the

population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.

Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it

through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and

you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk

from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated

authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips

into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious

feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and

plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the

other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and

feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand

and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't

mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really

happy.

 

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the

same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

 

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

 

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was

young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your

pants and play with your balls for a few minutes I will be able to tell your

exact age."

 

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip

her hand down his pants. A few minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's

done. You are 47."

 

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

 

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at the McDonalds."

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Oxymorons.......

50. Jumbo shrimp

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42 Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion/cuisine

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt head

30. Military intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. Extinct life

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. Now, then

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. New classic

16. Temporary tax increase

15. French bravery

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Country music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works

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Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive

reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?

"New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house

out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog,

Leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are

heterosexual"

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No"

Neighbor 1: "Fag."

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One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White

House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting

married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in

Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the president took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to

talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a

wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I

have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-

brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him.

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating

again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked

me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on

another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-

brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she

complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half

brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, Dear.

He's not really your father."

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A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine

suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and

said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine?

It doesn't work." The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The

freakin Maytag man?" and hung up.

The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got

in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start.

She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the

Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take

a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like?

Freakin Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up.

She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag

man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows

anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes

outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and

said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel

filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy

guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what,

lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice."

Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained

to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car.

The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he

wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said

"Well,what kind of cake did you bake for him?"

The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin Betty Crocker?"

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Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4

hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left"

so they turned around and went home.

--------------------------------